I've Got a Disease

I’ve got a disease, deep inside me makes me, feel uneasy within tell me what am I supposed to do about it?
-Disease by Matchbox 20

For years now I know that there’s been something wrong chemically with my brain. The inability to concentrate, short attention span, procrastination syndrome, lack of commitment, self esteem issues, finding it hard to complete things. Most importantly, I cannot study; it means that when I need to sit down and focus on a menial or mundane task like studying, writing, or even working out, I cannot. My mind wanders I get fidgety and I am unable to fulfil the task adequately or effectively. My family thinks I have no clue what I am talking about, that I am essentially lazy and all I need is to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get my ass in gear. If only it were so easy. Unfortunately I have neither the access to a health care system that may offer me some sort of diagnosis, nor the dough to get myself properly diagnosed even if I were to get that access.

So here I sit in limbo. I know I'm smart. Not genius (though I wish I were because then at least my vast intelligence would at least compensate a bit for all of this) but smart people accomplish stuff. I have accomplished nothing. I want and need to go back to graduate school but I'm so paralyzed by the fear that so many things could go wrong (a side-effect of being a slave to tangential thinking) that decision making is almost nil for me. Instead I drift along allowing fate to make decisions for me and then wail and gnash my teeth when the results come about (hence the job situation i find myself in). And I tend to use too many parentheses and semi colons; they allow me to explain myself easier, I guess

It feels like my mind is trapped in this fog where I can barely think most of the time. It is such a struggle to concentrate. I crave the rare moments of lucidity that I sometimes experience, only to fall back into the mist. I get overwhelmed easily with too much going on and I am always forgetting. ALWAYS. I feel like an utter loser most of the time and I end up settling for less than I know I deserve. I should be at the very least a moderately successful individual climbing her way to the top. Instead I am a sloppy individual barely skating by.

I don't know what to do, or how to get help. I really don't.

The Great Chicken Hunt: Part Deux!

So, way back when I was a dilligent blogger (ha!) I posted about the great chicken hunt and the fight to find a good joint that serves some great chicken. In the mean time I've:

Stormed out of a Chicken republic because they could not be bothered to serve ice-cream that did not have a hollow in the middle. That would be the one at the end of Ligali Ayorinde close to my my (now ex) NYSC local government.

I'm done with NYSC!

Gone on holiday to the best city on the West African coast. I was kinda disappointed 'cos they took like but 4 hours on a Sunday afternoon is not too bad, and really the inverter was working so all I had to do was walk down and plug myself in.

I'm eating less. I realise the more stressed I am, the more I eat. I need to break the cycle.

I still procrastinate so that means my that the above point is probably moot. I will get to it. Eventually...

Back to the point. Papaye still has the best chicken, hands down. Tasty, succulent and has tasted the same since 1995. There is a reason quality control exists and why people stick to it. Because it works. And it keeps you coming back for more. Like I plan to do over, and over, and over again...

btw The Chicken republic on Awolowo road has the best icecream so far.

In the GH

Hey, so it has been like four months since I last posted anything on this page. Woswa! In between the internet going all FUBAR (urban dictionary is your friend) on me and just getting so busy, I really haven't had the time. But now that I have been royally screwed over by my boss, it is time to be your typical Nigerian worker and spend most of her time doing nothing.

I am currently on holiday in the GH my home away from home, and my trip here has taught me a few things.

1. Nigerian Airlines suck. The Arik flight I was on left an hour later than it should with no announcements as to why it happened prior to us boarding. On the plane we were given the lame ass excuse that the plane had been "delayed" from its previous journey.

2. I (heart) Ghana Mucho. There's light, I can brush my teeth with water that comes straight out the tap, and while the internet might be slow, at least it is consistent and doesn't just cut off for no apparent reason, leading to near suicidal thoughts.

3.I really get along well with kids. They seem to gravitate towards me. Probably 'cos I'm so awesome ;)

4. There's ALWAYS electricity...

More on me less than scintilating

Something Positive

I think I have had a string of negative posts so I need to write something positive so I am not a negative nelly. So here I go...

Something Positive

The End

The Great Chicken Hunt

So I went to Chicken Republic the other day to get some great food. Turns out that undercooked fries, greasy, soggy, lackluster chicken doesn't cut it. So I am embarking on The Great Chicken Hunt. Where can I find some good, crisp crispy fried, southern fried, chicken covered in some type of fattening batter, reminiscent of Dixies in Lagos? All suggestions welcome. Family member (singular) that means you, as the only official reader of this blog.

Some Seoul Music: Clazziquai 'Tell Yourself (Japanese Version)' one of my all-time favorite K Artists. From their new album. Cannot Wait!

My head hurts. The constant pain descends through my cheekbones and radiates through my entire top jawline in agony that has refused to subside in the last three days. I am meant to be working right now, furiously racing to hit that deadline and make sure that IT gets out on time and correct. I am tired, numbed and therefore uncaring.

That spot right between my shoulder blades feels like a giant has is fingers pressed non-too-gently to the nape of my neck and just Digging. Right. In. Repeatedly. I feel the sleep of a thousand nights would never be enough to resuscitate the energy that has given its last gasp.

I need a holiday

Some (not-so-)서울 (Seoul) Music: Imma Be by the Black Eyed Peas. Most of the tune is banging. That last bit though? Almost kills it for me. Definitely for the clubs

'Wot's the prahblem wit me Accent?'

Nigerians can be insecure people, I noticed. While we have much to be proud of as a Nation (and on the flip side, much to be ashamed of) on an individual level we sometimes confront people needlessly due to insecurities projected unto another.

Consider someone I met recently: well dressed, great job, obviously in a far better position than I, the grubbily dressed (stain on my trousers I did not care to change) writer-slash-gopher (I was actually mistaken for my boss's Personal Assistant). She, in a word, was unpleasant. A person who got upset at me for having a pleasant conversation with a couple of Scotsmen in her establishment. Later my boss tried to explain her attitude away with "you returnees who come back with accents". Is THAT it? A half pseudo-American, half pseudo-british accent?

Here's how I got my accent: when I was in secondary school, books of a certain kind, namely sweet valley's and M&B's were banned because it gave us girls "dangerous ideas". I'm all for the notion when it comes to romance novels and impressionable 13 to 16 year olds, but sweet valley was a tad far. As a last resort i read the dictionary. Not just the words but the pronunciation keys as well. I taught myself diction, candence, and pretty much how to learn to read new words. Throw in my love of television and by the time I was in my final year of high school, most people could not place my accent, though I had been born, raised and fully educated on the African continent. I headed to college in the States, which allowed me to polish off my Americanese and did a couple of years in the UK which brought out a little more British in my accent. Catch me on a good day and my accent vacilates wildly between American twang and British tweed, but it is all sexy ;).

Other than the voice, I ain't nothin' special. No appreciable amounts of money, no fame, no wealth, no particular skills to speak of. Now why would anyone be threatened by me? If I were given to bouts of jealousy--I'm not as it is such a waste of time better spent doing things I like--it should be vice versa. Instead she felt she had to be rude and dominating and awful. Let's be sure of one thing though; she might certainly get much farther than I in this world, but not in the hospitality business where true humility and genuine sense of obligation to those you work with temper any sense of overblown ego and hubris.

She needs to be secure in herself and what she has, it is great. I am certainly no threat. My mother (my own sainted mother, I tell you!) told me I lack ambition, as cold as that statement is, it is for all intents and purposes, true. I hate competition, unless it is to acheive personal goals I've set myself, and that has not happened nearly often enough lately, hence the languishing in Lagos. All in all, people need to grow up and get over themselves.

Some Seoul (서울) Music: 전화하지마/'Do Not Call' by Namolla Family, a fantastic trio of guys with featuring Tae In who's feminine lilt adds a sense of longing. Great voice blending, great pop music.

About this blog

A K-popper trapped within the confines of Lagos, shares her uninteresting musings with no one.