I've Got a Disease

I’ve got a disease, deep inside me makes me, feel uneasy within tell me what am I supposed to do about it?
-Disease by Matchbox 20

For years now I know that there’s been something wrong chemically with my brain. The inability to concentrate, short attention span, procrastination syndrome, lack of commitment, self esteem issues, finding it hard to complete things. Most importantly, I cannot study; it means that when I need to sit down and focus on a menial or mundane task like studying, writing, or even working out, I cannot. My mind wanders I get fidgety and I am unable to fulfil the task adequately or effectively. My family thinks I have no clue what I am talking about, that I am essentially lazy and all I need is to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get my ass in gear. If only it were so easy. Unfortunately I have neither the access to a health care system that may offer me some sort of diagnosis, nor the dough to get myself properly diagnosed even if I were to get that access.

So here I sit in limbo. I know I'm smart. Not genius (though I wish I were because then at least my vast intelligence would at least compensate a bit for all of this) but smart people accomplish stuff. I have accomplished nothing. I want and need to go back to graduate school but I'm so paralyzed by the fear that so many things could go wrong (a side-effect of being a slave to tangential thinking) that decision making is almost nil for me. Instead I drift along allowing fate to make decisions for me and then wail and gnash my teeth when the results come about (hence the job situation i find myself in). And I tend to use too many parentheses and semi colons; they allow me to explain myself easier, I guess

It feels like my mind is trapped in this fog where I can barely think most of the time. It is such a struggle to concentrate. I crave the rare moments of lucidity that I sometimes experience, only to fall back into the mist. I get overwhelmed easily with too much going on and I am always forgetting. ALWAYS. I feel like an utter loser most of the time and I end up settling for less than I know I deserve. I should be at the very least a moderately successful individual climbing her way to the top. Instead I am a sloppy individual barely skating by.

I don't know what to do, or how to get help. I really don't.


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About this blog

A K-popper trapped within the confines of Lagos, shares her uninteresting musings with no one.